I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
