don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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