The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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