I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
