she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
