I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize