I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
