Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
