remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
