im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
