I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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