you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize