you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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