My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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