There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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