I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
