It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
