Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
