there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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