My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
