i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
