So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
