i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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