Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
