I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
