I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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