a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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