i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize