Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Umm I'm too high to move.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
