I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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