you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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