we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
