Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
