no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
