Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
