dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize