i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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