there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
