I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize