Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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