So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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