i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
