everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
