he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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