The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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