So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize