Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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