He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
