I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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