I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
