Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
