No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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