Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
