To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
