Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
can u get pink eye on your cock?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
