He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
