drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
