I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
