I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
